'enemigo

Like I have said before I am living in a pension with 9 other dudes… what I left out was the 4 legged creature that graces us with his presence everyday… tito.   It’s safe to say we have a love / Hate relationship.  When I first moved in to the pension, I would often wake up around 4 in the morning… make my way to the bathroom and usually read for a while before returning to bed. 

Just like clockwork there was Tito… curled up in front of the heater right outside of my room.  This is where the bonding began…   I would sit in the chair next the heater and he would jump up on my lap.  I was new to the house and I think he needed some love as well, it was perfect.  I would let him curl up on my lap for a while as I read…   For about the first 2 weeks, this was a common occurrence… oh how things can change.  One afternoon about 3 weeks ago, I crouched down to pet Tito before I left the house and out of nowhere he attacked my hand resulting in 2 deep holes in my hand, I quickly smacked him to get him off my hand and gave him a smack out of frustration. ( Luckily I had just taken tito to the Vet the day before for one of his shots… but still who knows what kind of diseases these guy has.)

After I had cleaned my wound… I came out of the bathroom and who was there to greet me… but the stupid cat that just forced his fangs through my hand.  The following days were very similar… he would find me in my weakest moments and try to get me to pet him.  I don’t even like cats, but there was part of me that just felt bad for the guy… he seems so bored, everyday just sitting in front of the heater and sleeping.  What a boring life! 

 

I decided I would give him a second chance…   we had another good run, which lasted about 4 days or so until the next incident.  He looked at me with those eyes, I just couldn’t quite say no to, I gave in… and just like before, He let me have it… teeth meet arm.  Once again I smacked him… hopefully getting it through his tiny skull that my hand is not for dinner! 

From this point on I gave him the name ‘enemigo!’ (enemy in english)  But just like cats do, they come looking for attention when they want it.  I refused to even look at him at this point, but every morning I would wake up and he would be sprawled out in front of my door!  I couldn’t escape his presence… he was everywhere!  Never have I had such mixed feelings for anything… never have I loathed something as much as this cat… and other  times he is in my lap.  I don’t know when I have ever felt so strongly about anything than I do about tito.  It might sound ridiculous… but at times just his mere presence infuriates me… and there are other times I go looking for him (how bizarre).  Following these first two incidents of him putting holes in my hands… I decided it was going to make it my job to bother tito as often as I could.  There was no hurting of any kind… so all of you out there thinking im abusing this little fella… just calm down.  But… I would annoy him...  Cats absolutely hate water, or people playing with their tales… just in case anyone was interested.

But just like clockwork… he got me again last Friday.  However, this time I might have deserved it...  I was annoying him, and with his quick ‘cat-like’ reflexes sank his teeth into my hand once again. 

‘ill let you have that one tito…’ 

We have a new understanding… he bites me, I bother him… I guess its our new way of showing our love for one another.   It’s part of that love/hate thing.   Because no matter how much I bother him, he will always return and look for some attention from me… and I hate to admit it, but there have been times I will go look for him just to give him a little bit of love.

…Oh tito, let the games continue…

Diet Coke, popcorn, licorice, and gummy bears… were just a few of Her favorite things

Its hard to believe that it has been 7 years since my mom has passed.  It’s strange to think about…  there are times when it feels like ages, and other times when it seems just like yesterday we were together. 

I spent the day yesterday thinking about the incredible woman that my mother was… I thought about her beautiful smile that could lite up a room when she entered it.  I thought about her crazy hair and her ugly baseball hat that she always wore when working in the yard.  I thought about her love for yard work and mowing the lawn.  I thought about the love she had for Scott, and how special she made him feel.  I thought about her famous burritos and her contagious laugh!  I thought about her ridiculous stories she told Lindsey and I when we were growing up.  I thought about her early mornings with Christian music playing in the background.  I thought about everything she gave up so that Lindsey and I could have what we needed… 

I spent the day doing things we used to do together… I started with a nice walk, then went to Mcdonalds and got a McFlurry and fries.  I then went to a matinée movie and of course had popcorn and a diet coke.  During these activities I was swept away by the sweet memories of old.  I began to reminisce about the times that we had together… and was comforted by those memories of simple things.   My mom loved to take walks… it was what she did whenever she had free time; I think it helped her think, allowed her time with the Lord, gave her exercise and the chance to just get out into our community.  Often times I would join her during these walks… I think some of our most precious moments were had during these times.  We would discuss life, its beauty as well as its hardships.  She would tell me stories of old… when she and my dad were married and the things they would do… or their experiences in Germany.  She would ask me about life and always took moments to pass wisdom my way.   She taught me how to be a gentleman and would tell me time and time again, about how to treat women… and that when I started dating a girl I better do these things!  She would force me to open the door for her, ‘that is what gentleman do,’ she would say and would stand and wait for me to open the door for her!  

Once my sister moved out for college… it was just my mom and i.  This meant we did pretty much everything together… shopping, cleaning, yardwork, etc.  We spent hours in the grocery store, especially Sams Club.  We would always find some way to make it interesting… getting as many samples as we could, and always ending it with a slice of pizza, a churro, or Haribo gummy baers and of course a diet coke.  All this time spent with one another gave us a lot of time to just be.  We talked about how crappy it was to have divorced parents… and the difficulties that went along with that.  She apologized, but also helped me see that life happens and we have to learn how to move on, despite the circumstances.  Looking back I can see all the wisdom she was pouring into my life over the years… honestly I was quite blind to it at the time, hindsight is always 20-20 right?  As I meditate on her life and the years I was blessed to have with her, I can now see she taught me how to live, how to work hard, how to love with such a big heart, and how serve the Lord… and in doing so, she rarely used her words.  She let her life speak.  

My mother was a strong woman… she was a survivor… more than that she was a humble servant willing to put her life on the line for anyone.  As I look back and think about the woman my mother was… SELFLESS is the word that comes to mind.  When she married my dad, they were both in college.  After getting married she quit school so she could work and he could finish his degree.  She gave up her opportunity at a degree in order that He could finish his.  After they got divorced she needed something that would pay the bills… so she went to dental assisting school.  I’m not sure it was her passion… but she made it work.  She did what she had to do in order to make ends meet and take care of us.  Again, she put her own desires down for my sister and i.  One thing after the other… Her life was a continual sacrifice.  I can only recall one thing she did for herself, and that was a mission trip to Trinidad and Tobago (to go serve people). 

Something I have been thinking a lot about the past few months is my mother’s faith and trust in the Lord.  I can’t recall exactly why she told me this, but she said after we had moved to Colorado and her and my dad had separated… she didn’t know what to do.  She simply cried out to the Father… 

‘Lord, my kids don’t have a father here and they desperately need one.  Take them father… they are yours.  I am trusting you with their lives and that you will provide for them… I am trusting that you will be their Father.’

She simply opened her hands and offered us to Him.  I am confident that it was her obedience in this moment that has kept me from going off the deep end.  There have been many times when I wanted to throw my faith out the window and go crazy… to do as the prodigal son did.  But there has always been something holding me back… keeping me from this.  It’s as though the lord has me in His hands… just holding me.  I am eternally grateful for her obedience; letting loose her grip and allowing Him to place us in His hands.

As I sit and dwell on the memories of her precious life, one story in particular is coming to mind.  When I was in 8^th grade I was sitting in science class which had a wall of windows looking towards the street, I saw a woman walking.  It was extremely windy on this particular day and this woman was wearing a giant sun hat that you would see on someone working in a garden.  As I continue watch this woman I started to laugh harder and harder because the wind was blowing her hat just about off of her head.  Instead of removing the hat, she walked with one hand on the top of her head holding onto the hat for dear life as the brim of the hat was being blown straight up.  Just as I was about the poke the person sitting next to me so they could also enjoy this ridiculous sight, I realized that woman… was my mom!  I quickly stopped, put my head down and tried to draw as little attention to her as I could.  Haha, middle schoolers…  

Thanks mom for everything, I love you so much!  I miss you more than words can express, but feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the years we had together!  Thank you for not wasting your life, but living a life of love and sacrifice.  Thank you for your patience and for those wooden spoons!  Thanks for those words of wisdom, but most of all showing me how to love and always pointing to the father and his goodness, even when the world was falling apart.  What a blessing you were to everyone around you… and how blessed I am to have had you as a mother.  

You are deeply missed by many… but know how much our lives were changed and enriched by just knowing you.  ‘may heaven enjoy this angel’s smile!’

Searching for ‘Peniel’

Well, it has been quite some time… my computer crashed on me so I was in the process of getting it fixed and just taking a break from having it.  It was quite nice… but hasn’t allowed me to write out my thoughts or blog. 

As far as adventures and excitement… there hasn’t been too much going on.  My life has become very simple here in la Plata.  I spend time studying Spanish, visiting with friends, meeting new people and learning more and more about this culture.  Spanish is hard!  I have been here for over a month and there are days when I feel like I can’t speak a word of Spanish.  I hear it’s a process and it will come… so im still waiting for it to come!  It’s safe to say the past few weeks have been quite difficult; there hasn’t been much sun, (we had 12 days in a row of no sun). For some this might not be a big deal, but coming from Colorado, then from the beach of Nicaragua… No sun has really affected me!  No sun, culture shock, and the Lord has really been working in my heart… when I say working I mean completely reshaping!

The Argentine culture really is beautiful, but I will be completely honest… it can be quite frustrating.  I have heard the term yanki more than I can count and have heard the most ridiculous arguments about how awful the United States is.  I understand as a citizen of the U.S and of the world that we as a nation have done awful, horrific things… I really do know that.  I have to accept those things, even though I wasn’t directly involved in those tragedies.  I am a citizen of the U.S and because of our history, I am put inside this bubble of awful people.  It is the same things with Christianity and the tragedies that have occurred in History.  I wasn’t a part of those, but I am a follower of Jesus… and those have tainted the name of Jesus and His people. 

It was strange to see the way that culture shock blindsided me here in Argentina.  Previously when I have traveled it has been to very poor countries so I expected to worst and prepared myself for no electricity or no indoor plumbing, etc.  But here, I have all the luxuries for living… running water, electricity, internet, food, restaurants, beer, coffee, ice cream… I don’t really have to go without anything.  I can even go watch a movie in 3D in English!  But it was something else that rocked my world… the mentality of Argentines.  I will not try to tell you how it is, because I don’t even know yet and refuse to speak ill of something I cannot fully explain.  I am still learning and trying to figure it out… 

However, I can speak of their distaste for the United States.  Everyone has a comment about the States, the war in Iraq, what terrible things we have done throughout the world, and how we live in an overabundance.  They use the word Yanki down here to talk about people or the idea of the United States… “That is so Yanki.”  Or  “youre so Yanki.”  The other day i walked into the humanities builiding of the University here in La Plata and there was a sign that said “Yanki’s, afuera Latinoamerica!” Translated -  “Yankees get out of Latin America,” with a giant skeleton face of Uncle Sam.  This intrigued me, but also made me somewhat cringe…  There is so much truth to these statements, but it seems there is a blanket of dislike for U.S culture, but people aren’t quite sure why.  They know very little, but hate so much.  I was recently talking about this issue with my friend Fede who is from Argentina and is now living in the States.  He agreed with the frustration, but also said that it is very similar to the way we treat Mexicans in our Country.  We have an idea about them and stick with it and very few people take the time to try and understand their culture… they simply don’t like them.  They say the same things their parents said about them… or use,  “they are just taking our jobs” (which is B.S, by the way), or other things that are used as an argument, but hold no water.  I am experiencing and learning the reality of the way that people view us from the United States and it’s giving me a perspective of the other side.  I wasn’t expecting to be affected by this so much, but is slapped me across the face.

The combination of culture shock, no sun, not being able to communicate thoroughly, and missing my family and friends has brought be to a very interesting place spiritually.  When I began this trip, I said that I wanted to use it as a time to find direction for my life and experience the Lord in a new and profound way.  Be careful what you pray for!  The Lord is doing just that; for the past few weeks He has been shining a light in those dark corners of my heart… the ones I have been trying to hide, to cover up, and forget about.  There has been physical pressure on my heart… but I wouldn’t give in without a fight.  It is as though I have been wrestling with God for the past couple weeks… I couldn’t seem to let go!  I was and still am somewhat having a hard time trusting the Lord with these areas of my life.  These are the most vulnerable and tender spots in my heart… do I really trust that He will provide what I need?  I hate to say it, but I’m not sure I do at the moment.  I am working toward that and still in a wrestling match, I feel somewhat like Jacob wrestling with God… and refusing to let go until I know for sure that He is going to bless me.  I refuse to let go until I know that he will take care of me, that He will hold my heart and provide it with exactly I need. 

“Then the man said, ‘Let me go, for it is daybreak.’ But Jacob replied, ‘ I will not let you go unless you bless me.’  The man asked him, ‘what is your name?’ ‘Jacob,’ he answered.  Then the man said, ‘Your name will no longer be jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.’… So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying ‘It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.’

                                Genesis 32

Despite this struggle and stubbornness on my part to not let go… I know that the Lord is so near to me!  I know he is working, I can feel his presence everyday… it is an uncomfortable presence involving a lot of pressure, but he is here!  I feel like a lump of dried clay that is being broken in order to be reformed, or a pile of bones that didn’t heal correctly, and must be broken in order to be made right… a painful process.  The lord is breaking me…

‘Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.’

                                            Psalms 51:8

There is a time for everything under the sun… there is a time for the Lord to break us in order to make us right before him.  There is a time to submit and listen.  Right now the Lord has me in La Plata, Argentina… and is working on my heart.  He is using this place to meet with me in a mighty way.  I daily ask myself what I am doing here, but it is obvious.  The Lord has stripped away my comforts and I am forced to dig deep and sit in the filth.

Sorry this one is so long, but it has been a while and I needed to update and inform what has been going on.  I will write more now that my computer is up and running. 

Lots of love from the South!